In a heartfelt Father's Day letter to his American daughter, a Nigerian Dad expresses his unconditional love and respect for the life choices she has made that he could never have envisioned.
My Dear daughter,
When you graduated from high school, I was so proud and happy to let you go. Perhaps it may have been too soon. All too soon you left the safety of your mother's place. Too soon you left the University- dropping out barely into your first year. Too soon I became a granddad when you got pregnant at 19. Yet, I have come to accept that just like I made my own mistakes you cannot truly live your own life if you do not make your own.
Since I became a parent at practically the same age, I knew that your life from that moment would not be easy. I had to drop out of college to ensure that I was able to provide food and shelter for my family. It took me almost six years to get my act together to be able to return to college and finish my education.
I must say these last four years have hurt. But over the past few months, I recognized that just because I grew up in a society where education was prized, it does not have to be your prize. So what both your parents have college degrees? It's a hard won internal battle but I now realize that not everyone in life needs to complete college to make it in this world. I now support your decision to go to Beauty school, yet I would not be true to my African self if I did not say a little prayer each day that God gives you the understanding and desire to some day go back to University.
I truly want the best for you. You need to know that even after all that has gone down, I would still move mountains to ensure your welfare. I have not mentioned him yet. I need to make sure I am very clear about him. Yes, he certainly is not what I envisioned for you. But which parent really feels that the one that their children choose is perfect.
I have come to accept that this "moving in together" thing is something I can deal with. Like I've told you, it is not where you live that really matters. What is more important is that wherever you live, be it the projects or be it the upper east side, there is love and mutual esteem.
I clearly would have liked you to move in with someone who was more like me. Someone who understood that if you have intentions on a man's daughter, you must take the time to understand his culture. When I placed your mother in the family way, I did the right thing. I married her. We went to the courthouse with two witnesses and did the deed. Both of your grandmothers travelled from Africa to clarify if we were mad. How could we just up and go to court and get married, baby or no baby? There was a way things needed to be done. Besides, we were too young to take such a serious step on our own. Your Zambian grandmother traveled thousands of miles to educate me on my responsibilities. To her there was no marriage since I had not done the right thing. I had not paid a penalty for 'soiling' their daughter. I had not sent my people over to negotiate marriage. Even though I eventually won her over, there was the small matter of her husband. In our African societies, the children literally belong to the fathers. Utmost respect is paramount with fathers.
I was fortunate to have 13 or so 14 up-close and personal years with my own father before he died. I saw how he moved seamlessly between traditional and modern worlds in Nigeria. It was not a front. In spite of his education and status in society, he understood and had reverence for our traditions. I dare say that if my father had been alive when I placed your mother in the family way, I would have incurred his wrath in many ways. However, he would still have understood that your mother was someone's daughter. It would not have taken almost five or six years for my family in Nigeria to have made the journey to Zambia to right the situation. Well, it is what it is. When I eventually was in a position to make that trip with my uncle, I did right the wrong. I went through the traditional marriage rites because I understood that for there to be peace, I must value the traditions of my in-laws. Heck I even did a church wedding!
In the interim period before I actually righted the wrongs, I treated my 'future' in-laws with deference. I always addressed my in-laws in a very respectful tone. This leads me again to him! My issue is not that he is "from the ghetto." There are millions of people from the ghetto that appreciate that when you make a man's daughter pregnant, you have to have the utmost humility. Instead of humility, I have had to converse on occasion with someone who doesn't seem to respect me or my traditions at all. Someone whose cocky fashion suggests he has done me a favor. No favor has been done here. My precious daughter has been taken away from me. I have not been allowed to complete my role as a father. I have been robbed of the joy of having a college educated daughter. I have been robbed of the comfort and joy of having a son-in-law that knows how to properly ask for my daughter. I have been robbed.
That you have chosen to continue to live with him amazes me. I do understand that love conquers all. However, no amount of love I have for you will allow me to expose myself to someone who does not take the time to appreciate that the quickest way to a father's heart is respect.
I pray every day that the good Lord touches his gruff majesty. I pray that sooner rather than later, he comprehends that he needs to come and see me with his uncle. I will not close my door in his face. I will be happy that he has taken the time to appreciate that his woman is somebody's child. I pray that he understands that he will have an ally once he does the right thing. Until then, I cannot acknowledge him.
I hope that when you read this letter you fully grasp how much I love and care for you. I equally love my grandson. I only want the best for you. I will always be there for you. Please kiss my grandson for me.
